God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!

I am furious about everything.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.