Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young'; it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.
You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.