Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.