Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.

I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.