moving on is a gift you give yourself.

The Palestinians cannot throw rockets and expect people not to defend themselves

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.