I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.