And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.