You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.