You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I was not an attractive child.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

moving on is a gift you give yourself.