You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.