I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.