I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.

If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.

Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.