When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."

"I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'"

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."