I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.

My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.