Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

"I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'"

If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.