Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Never floss a stranger.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.