Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.