The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.