Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.

Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.

Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.