I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: 'Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

The Palestinians cannot throw rockets and expect people not to defend themselves

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.