I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.

With this face, I need all the deals I can get.