I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.