Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.