Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.