The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' And as far as fashion is concerned, that's a good thing.

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness.

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.