The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' And as far as fashion is concerned, that's a good thing.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.