I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: 'Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.