I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!

My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.