Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.

I was my own buddy in camp.

I've learned: When you get older, who cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It's been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I've never been invited! If I ever saw the invitation, I'd use it as toilet paper.

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.