Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
Joan RiversThere are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
Joan RiversThat baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
Joan Rivers