Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.