Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.