My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

Never floss with a stranger.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.