My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."

Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.