My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.