My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

I was not an attractive child.