My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.

[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.