I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.

Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'

Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

I think we all in comedi business, especially when we reach a certain age, are divas up to a point. I love when a limousine comes for me, I can't lie about that. I love when you go to a restaurant and they say, "Come this way, Miss Rivers," and you get a good table. I love all that, the perks that come with the business.

With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.