A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.