I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

Run scared ... and they never catch you.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

Better laid than never.

No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.