I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes, those are actors, not caterers.