Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.

I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.