Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes, those are actors, not caterers.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.

Self-pity shortens your life.

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.