I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.