I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".

If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.