I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.

Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.