You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.
There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.
What we do is a calling...we make people happy.
I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.