I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.

You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.