I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.

My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids.

Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.