I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."