The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.