All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.