All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.

No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.