I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.

if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.

Can we talk?

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.