Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.