Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.