People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.