It pays to get drunk with the best people.

I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!