If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.