Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.