I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.

I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!

If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.