I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.

I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.