I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.

Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.