Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!

If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.