Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.

Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.