I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.