I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.