I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.

I never went to school beyond the 3rd grade, but my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong.

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!