Aspire to be the man you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid.

What people like are things to laugh at. Funny shows. It's all in the execution, the writing and the characters, not the setting. And the writing and the execution and the characters are GREAT on (Everybody Loves Raymond).

The people I know that have the hardest time keeping it together emotionally are people that don't workout.

My act is so completely and totally uncensored that the only way I could really pull it off is if I treat the audience like they're my best friends.

When you snatch little pieces of other people's lives and try to palm them off as your own, that's more disgusting than anything. Robin Williams is a huge thief. Denis Leary is a huge thief. His whole stand-up career is based on Bill Hicks, a brilliant guy who died years ago.

I had a sense of who I was before I got famous.

If you haven't peed the bed, you haven't taken enough chances.