If you attach your mind to any ideology, you're going to be on a road, and that road may or may not lead you in a good direction. But you're gonna stay on that road because you are attached to an ideology. It could be a terrible road, but you stick with it regardless of rational thinking.

If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.

I don't care if you're gay, black, Chinese, straight. That means nothing to me. It's all an illusion.

I did a lot of crazy gigs man. I hosted a Jack and Jill strip club in Woonsocket Rhode Island which is this tiny depressing fishing town, all Portuguese immigrants and it's just a humorless, dark town.

Most of my bits are long stream-of-consciousness- type things, and when I'm doing them onstage, other places to take the theme or idea will hit me, and I just go with it.

If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure.

Aspire to be the man you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid.