Life is strange. You keep moving and keep growing. Before you know it, you look back and think, "What was that?"

The planet's spinning a thousand miles an hour around this gigantic nuclear explosion while these people roll these machines with rubber tires over this hard surface that we've laid down over the planet so that we can easily move ourselves back and forth.

When you're standing around for an hour doing stand up it's no big deal but when you're standing around watching a show for an hour - it's a big difference. It's annoying - your feet hurt, your back hurts - it's just not the most comfortable way to see stand-up comedy.

People are scared man, they're scared of the void.

You want to talk about the word faggot because it really offends you? Well you're a douchebag.

Well you see, Brazilian JiuJitsu Blackbelts have a blackbelt in...... Brazilian JiuJitsu

The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.