My act is so completely and totally uncensored that the only way I could really pull it off is if I treat the audience like they're my best friends.

After this whole acting thing is over and done, you eventually have to be human. Some people are never human. It's very weird.

People for the most part can smell lies.

I had a sense of who I was before I got famous.

I think it would do a lot of people good just to realize how vulnerable they are.

The planet's spinning a thousand miles an hour around this gigantic nuclear explosion while these people roll these machines with rubber tires over this hard surface that we've laid down over the planet so that we can easily move ourselves back and forth.

I did a lot of crazy gigs man. I hosted a Jack and Jill strip club in Woonsocket Rhode Island which is this tiny depressing fishing town, all Portuguese immigrants and it's just a humorless, dark town.