I care about facts the way I care about oxygen and imbibing enough water a day to live.

Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.

Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.

If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.

There is no greater anesthetic than sport.