I don't think I'm identified as the anchorman, I think I'm identified as the impostor anchorman - there's a very clear line there ... I don't think it changes the way they respond.

If you’re asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.

Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.

The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.

I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into.

I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.

When I heard that Hitler had problems with flatulence, it's funny. What - does that make him a funny man? No. It means he had funny moments when his rear end was speaking louder than his mouth.